My breathe catches as I pull up the lab results, and as I look through I see a reoccurring theme “Normal.” My eyes scan over and over on the screen, as the tears begin to form beneath heavy eyes, and the thought crosses my mind as the tears fall down my cheeks, “How can I feel this bad, and labs show nothing?” Nothing.
Many would say that I should be grateful, that I shouldn’t want to find something wrong, but after 9 years with no answers, along with leaving a country, after only one month working there, to pursue medical assistance because I felt absolutely miserable; frustration grips my heart. Frustrated that I was following my dream and career in and then made the decision to come home, to heal, to get answers, and to get stronger in order to head back.
Nine years is a long time to constantly deal with chronic pain, fatigue, and migraines that are life stopping; for days when food can’t even be kept down because of the pain you feel. Nine years is also a long time for frustration to set in with doctors, with your own abilities, and with your faith. I have been told by doctors that I was faking, that it is minor, that they do not understand therefore it is not present; if the test results do not show, then that must mean you are healthy and that there is no way that you should feel this bad. Let’s try some pain meds, and rest for a few days. Nine years of all of that. Over and over. Until you stop going all together. You learn to deal with the pain. You learn your warning signs, your flare up factors, and you take a rest day and then push forward.
Then I heard, “My child, thy will be done.”
This frustration was covering up the will that The Lord had set aside for me, set aside before I was even in my mother’s womb. Frustration covers up who and what God is, how He works, and the plan He has.
In life, things happen that are out of our control. There are moments when you feel like giving up, where you do not understand your purpose or the plan. Instead of focusing on the frustration,
find the waiting and patience.
Abraham and Sarah waited to be blessed with a child. Although they had moments of frustration, of confusion, moments of doubt, yet the faith was sustained and they were blessed.
Ruth followed Naomi wherever she was. She was faithful and true, even if that was not the plan that she had placed in her heart. But Ruth found her Boaz.
Job was tried and tried. He had family, property and his own physical body effected. Satan was given a task to break Job, yet he used all of that and pushed forward.
They all found their strength through waiting and through patience.
There is a plan and a reason for all that has happened. The medical frustrations, the leaving a country, and the normal results, but I find my strength in the waiting and the patience. There is comfort in knowing that the ones that God called also had trials and tribulations that tested their faith and they found frustration. But what helped to define their lessons was the strength found during their waiting and patience.
And so I wait.
And find strength.
“Those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.” – Isaiah 40:31