Sugar Coat.

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“I will not be returning back to Ghana…”

I want to sugar coat everything. I want to put on a strong face and claim that all is well, I am okay with decisions, I am okay with everything that is happened. This is a time that I will be happy. However, that all would be a lie. I am not here to lie, I am hear to share my testimony {finally} since coming back home from Ghana and realizing I would not be returning.

Flashback to November 6, 2017:

I was day dreaming back to when I first accepted my position in AgriCorps and I would be living in Ghana, West Africa for 11 months. “Wow!” everyone exclaimed when I would tell them. I had so much support surrounding me that I couldn’t even comprehend what was going on. I was going to be living in Ghana. When I finally arrived along with 7 other of the most amazing people, I knew that this wasn’t going to be easy, but it was definitely going to be amazing and life changing. I figured out the culture, the language *kinda* and had fallen in love with the people. I met my host family and, although, it started off very rocky, it soon became an amazing bond that I will forever have. I met my students, taught classes, and had my first 4-H meeting. I was loving life but I didn’t feel “right”. Right in the sense that my body was trying to tell me something and I wasn’t sure what. I began to just feel bad. I was tired, all the time. I couldn’t focus on small tasks or even perform them because I was hurting too bad.

Side note: I have battled chronic pain for 10 years with no answer.

My body was weak. I didn’t want to eat, couldn’t eat, or if I did I would get sick. I wanted to sleep. I couldn’t stand up for long periods. I was miserable but I tried to remain strong and faithful because God called me to Ghana why would He take it away from me!?

But on November 6th I boarded plane that was bound for Lubbock, Texas and I would not head back to Ghana. I left new friends, I left my family, my students with unfinished business. I left a life, a job, and so many things that I would never get back.


I was bitter. I am talking B-I-T-T-E-R! I was confused, mad, upset at God. He called me to go to Ghana, He sent me out on the waters, I got the call and I obeyed, He said, “who will go for me?” and I said “SEND ME LORD!”

. . .

SO WHY DID HE BRING ME BACK HOME!?

I screamed at Him more than once; wept and wailed like I have never before done. In Old Testament times, during times of extreme grief, one would rip their clothes and weep. I was to that point. I wanted to rip my clothes and just scream:

LORD! I DO NOT UNDERSTAND! IF YOU CALLED ME OUT UPON THE WATERS AND I STEPPED OUT AND WENT… THEN WHY DID YOU USHER ME BACK INTO THE BOAT BEFORE I COULD GET STARTED. IF YOU WANTED ME TO BE OVER THERE WHY DID I COME HOME SO EARLY!?

WHY LORD!? Why Lord!? Why Lord… !? … Why…

I had walled up my heart. I was lost and confused and didn’t understand why I would have that much obedience. I would leave the U.S. to head to a developing country to teach ag to then be called home because my body wasn’t cooperating. Are you kidding me!?

So I began to feel like a failure and guilty. If I couldn’t make it over there then how could I make it anywhere else. I left Ghana even after all these people had encouraged me, prayed for me, given me aid in all forms… I let them all down…


I am here to say that it is okay to not be okay.

Yes. I said it. It is okay to not be okay. I was upset and bitter. I had such a negative thought about who God and it wasn’t even remotely close to the truth. I had let the enemy dictate my thoughts and even my heart for so long that my heart began to believe every lie it was being fed. But once my eyes were opened back up, and those blinders were pulled off, I realized that it is okay to ask the “whys” but it isn’t okay to have that much bitterness and resentment built up. I know that the way gets troublesome. I also know that bodies fail, that plans fall through, that the calling changes but one thing that will forever remain the same is our Sovereign God.

I still do not have the answers to my questions, but I have freedom and peace in knowing that this is all apart of my story; apart of my calling; apart of my testimony. I can still tell stories of Ghana. I can say I lived over there and I have a family over there. But I can also say that this journey I am going through with my health is all apart of a greater plan, too. It’s also apart of my testimony now. I will sit and wait, bask in the Son, soak in the Word, and ask God to tell me who I should pray for and be a blessing too. It is not my will but

Thy will be done.

As I sit back and think through everything I have gone through and everything I will go through, all I can say is that there is nothing too small or too big for God. If you are struggling for whatever reason whether you are having financial problems, career problems, relationship problems, health problems, or you just feel lost; it is okay to not be okay. Ask the questions, but do not do what I did. I asked the questions, but I didn’t listen for the answers. I didn’t listen because I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to hear the truth. I wanted a sugar coating of the truth, and thats not who God is. He doesn’t sugar coat, but what He does do is work all things for the greater good.

Remember that “He has made everything beautiful in its time.” Ecclesiastes 3:11 and that no matter what, better things will be coming. Just ask, and sit, and listen.

And having faith in the God of redemption and forgiveness I know that the sorrows of today, will turn into a sugar coating of blessings tomorrow.

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